If you grew up watching The Carol Burnett Show, you know there was one rule: When Tim Conway started shuffling, Harvey Korman was going to lose it.
Today, we’re taking a trip down memory lane with a fictional “lost sketch” that captures the pure, chaotic magic of this duo. Imagine the highest stakes possible—a ticking time bomb—placed in the hands of the world’s slowest man.
Here is the story of The Oldest Bomb Squad Expert.
The Setup
The scene opens in a chaotic police station. Phones are ringing, sirens are wailing. In the center of the room stands Harvey Korman, playing the role of the stressed-out Police Chief. He’s sweating, he’s panicking, and he’s staring at a large, cartoonish bundle of dynamite with a clock taped to it.
The clock reads: 02:00.
“We need the expert!” Harvey screams, wiping his brow. “Send in the Captain!”
The door creaks open. The audience erupts in laughter before he even takes a step. It’s Tim Conway, dressed as “The Oldest Man.” He is wearing a heavy bomb disposal suit that looks three sizes too big, and his white wig is slightly askew.
The Long Walk
“Captain! You have two minutes!” Harvey yells.
Tim nods slowly… very slowly. He takes his first step. Shuffle… squeak. He takes his second step. Shuffle… squeak.
Tim is moving at the speed of a snail moving through peanut butter. He looks at Harvey with a confused, gummy smile, then looks back at his feet, making sure he doesn’t trip over invisible dust.
Clock check: 01:30. Tim has moved exactly six inches.
Harvey is already starting to break character. He bites his lip to stop from laughing, his face turning a shade of crimson. “Will you hurry up?!” Harvey barks, his voice cracking.
“I’m… rushing…” Tim wheezes, his voice sounding like a rusty door hinge. He stops to catch his breath, leaning against a desk that isn’t there, nearly falling over.
The Toolkit of Chaos
Clock check: 00:45. Tim finally reaches the bomb. The tension is palpable. “Cut the blue wire!” Harvey commands. “Do you have your tools?”
Tim nods and begins to pat his pockets. His movements are agonizingly deliberate. First, he pulls out a half-eaten ham sandwich. He looks at it, considers taking a bite, and places it gently on the bomb. Next, he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a rubber mouse. He squeaks it once—peep—and smiles at Harvey.
Harvey turns away, burying his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking with silent laughter. The audience is roaring.
“The pliers, you fool! The pliers!” Harvey chokes out.
Tim finally finds the pliers. But there’s a problem. He can’t see. He reaches for his glasses, fumbles, and puts them on upside down. He squints, tilting his head like a confused owl.
The Final Cut
Clock check: 00:10. “Ten seconds!” Harvey screams, now legitimately crying from laughter. “Cut it! Just cut it!”
Tim’s hand is shaking violently. The pliers are vibrating like a jackhammer. He leans in closer to the bomb. He aims for the blue wire… misses… aims again…
00:03… 00:02…
SNIP!
The room goes silent. The clock stops.
Tim stands up straight, takes a deep breath, and looks at Harvey. “Chief,” Tim says, his voice suddenly calm. “I feel much lighter now.”
The camera pans down. The blue wire is still intact. But Tim’s shoelaces have been cut cleanly in half.
The Punchline
Before Harvey can scream, the bomb goes off—POOF!
But instead of an explosion, a small fountain of confetti and a “Happy Birthday” banner pop out. It was a prank device all along.
The scene ends with Tim standing in a pile of confetti, his face covered in black soot. He slowly turns to the hyperventilating Harvey, pulls a cigarette out of his pocket (which is also bent), and delivers the final line with a deadpan face:
“Got a light, Chief? My battery died.”